Tuesday, August 18, 2009

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"It was the best of times and the worst of times."

I cannot improve upon the eloquence of Charles Dickens. He has summed up my life in that one sentence.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and I can't go backwards- I can only go forwards and I don't want to. Normally, when someone stands on the edge of the Grand Canyon they oooh and ahhh over it's majestic beauty and sheer size. I have been walking along the edge for days now and have reached the conclusion that the only way to get across is to climb down one side and up the other. I am absolutely filled with trepidation and despair at the thought of such a huge undertaking. I don't have a mule; I'm 7 months pregnant; and it's dang hot out there. It's me and my 1 liter Camelback.

Life itself is OK. Or maybe I'm in denial.

-The girls are healthy and so am I.
-I have health insurance and a good doctor/midwife.
-We have food and shelter.
-The community garden is huge and we can go pick things from it every day.
-We have supportive family and friends.

And then the parts I am trying to ignore:
-We are beginning the process of short-selling our house.
-We need to reduce the volume of stuff we own by at least half and it is in a giant jumble in our room and in the garage.
-My dear husband is facing medical problems with no stinking health insurance.
-We don't have enough income to cover everything and haven't for months.
-When we move out of this house we might be living in an RV.
-Oh yeah, and the Jeep's transmission konked out.

I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. And no, I don't want to hear about how much tougher some orphan in Rwanda has it; or the fact that thousands of others in our country are facing similar things. That trick isn't working right now.
I'm not gonna lie to you - the past couple years have been rough and I am tired. The towers of doom stacked in my garage are sucking the life out of me and I want them gone. It's like a vampire cave out there.

Hope your year is going better than mine.


Jamey Clayberg said...

"Things change." Not much comfort I know, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but the inevitability is that things do change, always. Plus, everything sucks double when you get that far along on the pregnancy train. So maybe keep your eyes open to shake your head and say "well there it is, that's different." (I def shouldn't quit my day job and start guidance counseling.)

Anonymous said...

I love you Collette.

C.A. said...

Thanks, you guys! I really thought no one read this goofy thing anymore! ha ha
I just read a great quote:
"There is nothing permanent except change." -Heraclitus

Anonymous said...

What you talking about chick of course we read your writings we love you...